What Have We To Say of Ourselves?
Upon the road to recovery, one learns various methods of honesty. Be it with another person, with God, but ultimately with one's self. Last Friday I came to an astonishing realization. I glared at the pamphlets on the table during dinner at my Celebrate Recovery home group. The glare become a gaze which sparked an interest in the Codependency brochure, and upon review, read myself within the pamphlet. I am aware that I suffer from alcoholism, drug addiction, and sexual addictions, but here I am now learning more about myself as I break down the walls that I have built up over the years.
Wikipedia summarizes Codependency as; "... a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care taking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." But I prefer how the pamphlet put it;
• I feel good about myself when I believe you love
me or approve of me.
• Your struggle affects my serenity. I focus on
solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• I focus on pleasing you or protecting you.
• Relieving your pain bolsters my self-esteem.
• I put aside my own hobbies and interests to spend
time on your hobbies and interests.
• I am concerned with your clothing and personal
appearance because I feel you are a reflection of
me.
• I am concerned with your behavior because I feel
you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how
you feel.
• I am not aware of what I want — I ask what you
want. I am not aware — I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• I say or do things because I fear your rejection or
anger.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our
relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself
with you.
ANYWAY, If I still have your attention, I am learning more of myself as I question myself further. I realize the more I look into my codependency, the more I see the triggers that affect all areas of my addictions. However, before I paint myself out to look like a street corner junky, realize that who you see when you look at me may be what you see when you look in the mirror. I never was arrested, used hard drugs, went through a halfway house, or was even homeless! Yet I suffer, from addiction and affliction by the same standard many of us Christians suffer with. Be careful as what we may often do is lie amongst ourselves by surrounding ourselves by like company. We are also just as quick to point out and attempt to solve others' problems as a way of continuing the masquerade. THIS is what I find most true in myself. I make an attempt to be ones' savior, which many times points me into a dangerous direction. I often confuse compassion for affection, as a product of my codependency, which will thus bring forth the triggers to my addictions. It's actually quite interesting to reflect on my own behavior. Which leads me to my point...
How do I know if I'm giving myself any credit? Where does low self esteem leave off and modesty begin? What are their proprietary differences, and in my life as a Christian how do they affect me? We all know what poor self esteem should look like. Many of us know how it feels, yet for most of us, our pride gets in the way of seeking truth within our own honesty. As stated above, we are rather clever at masking our pain, and in most cases it takes lengths of SERIOUS soul searching, self assessment, and ultimate surrender of our iniquity to see beyond our insecurities.
In my walk with Christ, I have been gifted wonderful bouts of patience, serenity, respect, and humility. I have been blessed by the testimony I hold, and the opportunity to deliver it. I have been graced by others who love me for me, not for what I do for them, and I have been given the chance to be selfless and serving. By all of these blessings I tend to become extremely thankful. Which is good, and sometimes feel extremely undeserving and insignificant. This can only be good in context. To be humbled before the Lord is truly a blessing that not all possess. We as Christians have the divine opportunity to do so, yet even in our humility the enemy finds ways to exploit us. I am finding that sometimes, in my offering, my self esteem deems me as being unworthy. In situations that call for praise, I simply don't credit myself at all.
I've never really been any good at taking compliments. I enjoy when people comment on my extrasomatic abilities, yet always feel like I've missed the mark. I have been caught doing this in my relationship with God as well. I am truly humbled by the presence of God and His work in my life, yet am hesitant in saying He's given me any authority. I feel him working through me, I can see the way He utilizes me to impact others. I have been called upon by those who are lost to be guided to the light, and still cannot accept the notion. So how may I differ my inability to accept these compliments from my being modest?
I believe that the answer lies within ones work. I am not indicating that by works one wins the mercy of God, for we know we are saved by grace through faith, not by works so that no one may boast. However, are we given the right to boast amongst ourselves for what God has done through us? Not by what we have done for God, in an attempt to get his attention. There is a fine line here that I wish to find. Unfortunately I have no idea where it is drawn.
As a byproduct of this uncertainty, I fear that I may be simply refusing the blessings of God. I see that this inquiry will remain unanswered until further self assessment be completed. These questions serve as a building block, a foundation of discovery that are wholly necessary in finding truth within myself. I share my thoughts with you so that you may reflect upon your own image. I feel as though this post is incomplete, yet the voice within has silenced. I pray that anyone who shall read this, shall undergo the same process God has led me through to write it. It is within our responsibility as Christians to turn our attention away from ourselves and into the world. Yet to understand the world, we must first understand who we are... Once we know how God may utilize us individually we may turn our efforts outward. If any of this sounds complicated just remind yourself to, "Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10
** After completing this I was somehow led to Romans 12, even though I have yet to read the book of Romans, it miraculously applies directly to the closing statement. It reads;
"1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully."
Romans 12:1-8
And so there you have it... If you must know, God will lead you to the answers... And most often they're in the book He wrote! I'll accept that pat on the back... God is so cool... =)
Wikipedia summarizes Codependency as; "... a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care taking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others." But I prefer how the pamphlet put it;
• I feel good about myself when I believe you love
me or approve of me.
• Your struggle affects my serenity. I focus on
solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• I focus on pleasing you or protecting you.
• Relieving your pain bolsters my self-esteem.
• I put aside my own hobbies and interests to spend
time on your hobbies and interests.
• I am concerned with your clothing and personal
appearance because I feel you are a reflection of
me.
• I am concerned with your behavior because I feel
you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how
you feel.
• I am not aware of what I want — I ask what you
want. I am not aware — I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• I say or do things because I fear your rejection or
anger.
• I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our
relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself
with you.
ANYWAY, If I still have your attention, I am learning more of myself as I question myself further. I realize the more I look into my codependency, the more I see the triggers that affect all areas of my addictions. However, before I paint myself out to look like a street corner junky, realize that who you see when you look at me may be what you see when you look in the mirror. I never was arrested, used hard drugs, went through a halfway house, or was even homeless! Yet I suffer, from addiction and affliction by the same standard many of us Christians suffer with. Be careful as what we may often do is lie amongst ourselves by surrounding ourselves by like company. We are also just as quick to point out and attempt to solve others' problems as a way of continuing the masquerade. THIS is what I find most true in myself. I make an attempt to be ones' savior, which many times points me into a dangerous direction. I often confuse compassion for affection, as a product of my codependency, which will thus bring forth the triggers to my addictions. It's actually quite interesting to reflect on my own behavior. Which leads me to my point...
How do I know if I'm giving myself any credit? Where does low self esteem leave off and modesty begin? What are their proprietary differences, and in my life as a Christian how do they affect me? We all know what poor self esteem should look like. Many of us know how it feels, yet for most of us, our pride gets in the way of seeking truth within our own honesty. As stated above, we are rather clever at masking our pain, and in most cases it takes lengths of SERIOUS soul searching, self assessment, and ultimate surrender of our iniquity to see beyond our insecurities.
In my walk with Christ, I have been gifted wonderful bouts of patience, serenity, respect, and humility. I have been blessed by the testimony I hold, and the opportunity to deliver it. I have been graced by others who love me for me, not for what I do for them, and I have been given the chance to be selfless and serving. By all of these blessings I tend to become extremely thankful. Which is good, and sometimes feel extremely undeserving and insignificant. This can only be good in context. To be humbled before the Lord is truly a blessing that not all possess. We as Christians have the divine opportunity to do so, yet even in our humility the enemy finds ways to exploit us. I am finding that sometimes, in my offering, my self esteem deems me as being unworthy. In situations that call for praise, I simply don't credit myself at all.
I've never really been any good at taking compliments. I enjoy when people comment on my extrasomatic abilities, yet always feel like I've missed the mark. I have been caught doing this in my relationship with God as well. I am truly humbled by the presence of God and His work in my life, yet am hesitant in saying He's given me any authority. I feel him working through me, I can see the way He utilizes me to impact others. I have been called upon by those who are lost to be guided to the light, and still cannot accept the notion. So how may I differ my inability to accept these compliments from my being modest?
I believe that the answer lies within ones work. I am not indicating that by works one wins the mercy of God, for we know we are saved by grace through faith, not by works so that no one may boast. However, are we given the right to boast amongst ourselves for what God has done through us? Not by what we have done for God, in an attempt to get his attention. There is a fine line here that I wish to find. Unfortunately I have no idea where it is drawn.
As a byproduct of this uncertainty, I fear that I may be simply refusing the blessings of God. I see that this inquiry will remain unanswered until further self assessment be completed. These questions serve as a building block, a foundation of discovery that are wholly necessary in finding truth within myself. I share my thoughts with you so that you may reflect upon your own image. I feel as though this post is incomplete, yet the voice within has silenced. I pray that anyone who shall read this, shall undergo the same process God has led me through to write it. It is within our responsibility as Christians to turn our attention away from ourselves and into the world. Yet to understand the world, we must first understand who we are... Once we know how God may utilize us individually we may turn our efforts outward. If any of this sounds complicated just remind yourself to, "Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10
** After completing this I was somehow led to Romans 12, even though I have yet to read the book of Romans, it miraculously applies directly to the closing statement. It reads;
"1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully."
Romans 12:1-8
And so there you have it... If you must know, God will lead you to the answers... And most often they're in the book He wrote! I'll accept that pat on the back... God is so cool... =)
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