The Year in Review
Alright well it seems it has come time to Review the year that has past us by so quickly, 2011. Wow.. Where to begin? At this time (2010) I was looking forward to starting my new year at the Passion Conference in Atlanta Georgia. I had much to look forward to. Passion opened my eyes to the body of Christ, the universal church, the ever functioning vessel of love that is comprised of many parts. Twenty two thousand college-aged kids who were ready to love on you whether or not you were ready to love on them. Needless to say, I spent the three days highly involved with strangers, wandering around Atlanta wrapping my arms around people and making friends as far away as Poland. Encounters from saints to angels (Read my Passion Blog from January, 2011) salted the experience and 2011 tore into my life, leaving me in tears at the shear awe and wonder of what God was doing in my life.
Immediately upon returning to Jacksonville, I started my first semester of college at Trinity Baptist. I had no idea what to expect, as I never considered myself an academician. Instead, I was rather astonished to find that I was able to pay attention, to study, to retain information, and with confidence, finish my first semester with a 3.8 cumulative GPA. However, old habits die hard and as I quickly made friends, we began to realize that we were the still the unruly kids of the class. Yet college is a bit different then high school. You see, it is possible to be as much a nuisance to one another as you want, as long as you get good grades. As a result the teachers themselves warmed up to our reindeer games, even joining in at times.
As my spring semester wound down, I looked ahead to a vision God had planted deep in my heart. To be a pastor and a church planter in Post-Christian Europe. I know, that sounds like a bit much, and that's exactly what I said when He revealed it to me... For this reason let me set some groundwork. Some friends of mine from church were excited to go to Italy on a mission trip in the summer. Me being the cynic I am, I constantly taunted them by saying that a trip to Italy is a vacation and by no means the sort of thing one would consider a mission.
With that said, let's rewind a little back to school. My critical nature reared it's ugly head during a mission conference we had in March (?). It was here that I held the reservation against becoming overly ambitious and jumping at every hype that appeared on the shelf. The conference was the better half of a week, which gave us ample time to absorb testimony after testimony from international missionaries. It was my fear that after this, EVERYONE would want to be a missionary, so I closed my heart; but God tore it open... On the last day, a missionary from Hungary spoke and illustrated an experience he had while looking upon an old European cemetery; 800 years of people being raised up and dying without knowing the simplicity and joy of a relationship with Christ. This blasted my defenses wide open. The words of a fellow classmate rang in my ears, "If you make yourself available, God will by no means not use you!" and as I stood to my feet, God spoke clearly to me "Ryan, I want you to be a pastor and a church planter in Post-Christian Europe". It was a voice that didn't ring in my ears, nor did it register with my mind, it resounded throughout my soul. I acknowledged with my spirit, and found myself doing what I was so reluctant to do in the first place, surrender to the call of missions. After all, this was against ALL of my future plans! I had concocted a dream of settling comfortably with a wife and raising a family around the support of my family with all of the conveniences of the location of my choosing. It was different now, and God was in control. I picked up the phone, called the mission agency my friends were going to Italy with and registered to go.
Which brings me to a sort of problem of expression now. How do I explain Italy? First off, let me tell you about my faith. It sucks. It's never where it should be, and I have serious trust issues with the Lord. I constantly battled myself over whether or not it was a good idea to go to Italy with the mounting debt that I was accumulating. Surely, I could not go. As a result of this doubt, I was on the phone with my Encouragement Representative (Person who handled my missions funds) almost daily trying to weasel out of the trip. She brought up a good point though, she would say, "Why would God, put something in your heart, then turn around and say 'Well perhaps, that wasn't a good idea.'". She was right, I had no faith in the sovereignty of God. After all, is it not written, "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."? (Philippians 4:19) I had never really come to a point where I had to set a deadline for God. Although I doubted that I would even go the whole time, I was the first of the three of us to be fully funded. I did nothing... I sat back and watched over four thousand dollars pool into my mission fund. God showed up, and I'm assuming He always does, being as the fact that He never goes anywhere... But this helped to establish my faith, big time.
As for going to Italy, I will steer you to read the many Italy blogposts of mine from July and August of 2011. I took the time to copy my journal entries from the entire trip so you can get an in depth look at what God was doing in and through me during the trip. However, what I will share is one experience I had while over there.
We were all in a time of worship, later on in the duration of our trip, and I had a moment of clarity at the throne of grace. I boldly entered, as I so often am told to do, and petitioned the Lord the same question I had been asking since He spoke to me so clearly earlier in the year; "God, I am here, now where in Europe do you want me to go?" He replied, "Ryan, I said Post-Christian Europe", I petitioned again, "God, I know,but where?" Again He replied, "Ryan, I said Post-Christian Europe" and after stubbornly asking again and receiving the same answer, I understood... Then I realized, Europe is a big place... I also realized that the Lord went before me, and He being even bigger this was no big deal. I returned to Him, "Where do I start." He responded, "Start here". Needless to say, I'm going back to Giovanazzo. As a matter of fact, if I can plan for anything at all, it will be there that I launch my ministry when the time comes. For now however, I have realized that the mission trip wasn't so much for the people that made "decisions" (after all, we were not there long enough to disciple them), but the trip seemed to be for us, the missionaries; I know it was for me. I established heartfelt relationships with the people of Italy and have even been invited to spend the summer with them, learning the culture and ministering as I am able. I cannot wait.
As I returned from Italy, it was then time to go back to school. We made some new friends, the hazing got worse (I almost got a swirly once, but I received mercy) and I turned that 3.8 in a 4.0. There isn't much more to say than that about my second semester, oh except that I was totally student of the year... (a term I came up with, because, well, I am.)
Which brings me now to a peculiar part of my story; the most lethargic, exhausted, and slightly uncertain portion of my life... Now. As recently as just 4 weeks ago, I found myself in the hospital. I thought I was going to die. I had fallen extremely ill during finals week, and am still recovering today, four weeks later. I'm now sitting at my home in Pennsylvania on the 31, when I should have returned to Florida the 20th. Why? For the sake of being monitored by doctors to see why it is I have dropped down to a pathetic 110 pounds. From what they have observed I have hyperthyroidism. Which causes anxiety-like symptoms (check), restlessness (check), hair loss (check), and weight loss (check). I've been pretty sick for almost four weeks now, and I'm assuming it's been because 2011 has kept me so busy that I have completely put my health at the lowest priority. As a student, there's no money for real food. As a student there is not enough hours in a day to study and work. And as a student there has been no time for me. I have come to the realization that I possess no ability to set margins and manage time. I am too busy with school, work, and church, and I feel the weight now as this, the last day of 2011 passes, I am huddled up with a glass of carrot juice surrounded by bottles of medication, studying up on how to maintain proper nutrition.
2011 has been quite the year. There has been the stuff dreams are made of, and of course, the stuff that shatters your dreams. However, as I learned upon the railway platforms and dusty airport floors of Rome, "...The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) and this has been that year; full of ups and downs, beginnings and ends, high hopes, and unrealistic expectations, but one thing remains constant; my faint understanding of the sovereign providence of God Almighty. He has appointed my steps throughout the year, and led me into places I would never have gone alone. Drawing from hindsight, this has been the greatest year of my life, and should I have been surprised? Nay, I am a friend of God's, and He is in control, I only experience disappointment when I attempt to take it back. "So God, on this last day of 2011, I give to you 2012. I have my hopes, and I have my ambitions, but I pray that you would do as you will with them, and exceed my highest expectation with the glory that is You. Amen."
-Buon Capodanno, amici miei! (Happy New Year, my friends!)
Immediately upon returning to Jacksonville, I started my first semester of college at Trinity Baptist. I had no idea what to expect, as I never considered myself an academician. Instead, I was rather astonished to find that I was able to pay attention, to study, to retain information, and with confidence, finish my first semester with a 3.8 cumulative GPA. However, old habits die hard and as I quickly made friends, we began to realize that we were the still the unruly kids of the class. Yet college is a bit different then high school. You see, it is possible to be as much a nuisance to one another as you want, as long as you get good grades. As a result the teachers themselves warmed up to our reindeer games, even joining in at times.
As my spring semester wound down, I looked ahead to a vision God had planted deep in my heart. To be a pastor and a church planter in Post-Christian Europe. I know, that sounds like a bit much, and that's exactly what I said when He revealed it to me... For this reason let me set some groundwork. Some friends of mine from church were excited to go to Italy on a mission trip in the summer. Me being the cynic I am, I constantly taunted them by saying that a trip to Italy is a vacation and by no means the sort of thing one would consider a mission.
With that said, let's rewind a little back to school. My critical nature reared it's ugly head during a mission conference we had in March (?). It was here that I held the reservation against becoming overly ambitious and jumping at every hype that appeared on the shelf. The conference was the better half of a week, which gave us ample time to absorb testimony after testimony from international missionaries. It was my fear that after this, EVERYONE would want to be a missionary, so I closed my heart; but God tore it open... On the last day, a missionary from Hungary spoke and illustrated an experience he had while looking upon an old European cemetery; 800 years of people being raised up and dying without knowing the simplicity and joy of a relationship with Christ. This blasted my defenses wide open. The words of a fellow classmate rang in my ears, "If you make yourself available, God will by no means not use you!" and as I stood to my feet, God spoke clearly to me "Ryan, I want you to be a pastor and a church planter in Post-Christian Europe". It was a voice that didn't ring in my ears, nor did it register with my mind, it resounded throughout my soul. I acknowledged with my spirit, and found myself doing what I was so reluctant to do in the first place, surrender to the call of missions. After all, this was against ALL of my future plans! I had concocted a dream of settling comfortably with a wife and raising a family around the support of my family with all of the conveniences of the location of my choosing. It was different now, and God was in control. I picked up the phone, called the mission agency my friends were going to Italy with and registered to go.
Which brings me to a sort of problem of expression now. How do I explain Italy? First off, let me tell you about my faith. It sucks. It's never where it should be, and I have serious trust issues with the Lord. I constantly battled myself over whether or not it was a good idea to go to Italy with the mounting debt that I was accumulating. Surely, I could not go. As a result of this doubt, I was on the phone with my Encouragement Representative (Person who handled my missions funds) almost daily trying to weasel out of the trip. She brought up a good point though, she would say, "Why would God, put something in your heart, then turn around and say 'Well perhaps, that wasn't a good idea.'". She was right, I had no faith in the sovereignty of God. After all, is it not written, "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."? (Philippians 4:19) I had never really come to a point where I had to set a deadline for God. Although I doubted that I would even go the whole time, I was the first of the three of us to be fully funded. I did nothing... I sat back and watched over four thousand dollars pool into my mission fund. God showed up, and I'm assuming He always does, being as the fact that He never goes anywhere... But this helped to establish my faith, big time.
As for going to Italy, I will steer you to read the many Italy blogposts of mine from July and August of 2011. I took the time to copy my journal entries from the entire trip so you can get an in depth look at what God was doing in and through me during the trip. However, what I will share is one experience I had while over there.
We were all in a time of worship, later on in the duration of our trip, and I had a moment of clarity at the throne of grace. I boldly entered, as I so often am told to do, and petitioned the Lord the same question I had been asking since He spoke to me so clearly earlier in the year; "God, I am here, now where in Europe do you want me to go?" He replied, "Ryan, I said Post-Christian Europe", I petitioned again, "God, I know,but where?" Again He replied, "Ryan, I said Post-Christian Europe" and after stubbornly asking again and receiving the same answer, I understood... Then I realized, Europe is a big place... I also realized that the Lord went before me, and He being even bigger this was no big deal. I returned to Him, "Where do I start." He responded, "Start here". Needless to say, I'm going back to Giovanazzo. As a matter of fact, if I can plan for anything at all, it will be there that I launch my ministry when the time comes. For now however, I have realized that the mission trip wasn't so much for the people that made "decisions" (after all, we were not there long enough to disciple them), but the trip seemed to be for us, the missionaries; I know it was for me. I established heartfelt relationships with the people of Italy and have even been invited to spend the summer with them, learning the culture and ministering as I am able. I cannot wait.
As I returned from Italy, it was then time to go back to school. We made some new friends, the hazing got worse (I almost got a swirly once, but I received mercy) and I turned that 3.8 in a 4.0. There isn't much more to say than that about my second semester, oh except that I was totally student of the year... (a term I came up with, because, well, I am.)
Which brings me now to a peculiar part of my story; the most lethargic, exhausted, and slightly uncertain portion of my life... Now. As recently as just 4 weeks ago, I found myself in the hospital. I thought I was going to die. I had fallen extremely ill during finals week, and am still recovering today, four weeks later. I'm now sitting at my home in Pennsylvania on the 31, when I should have returned to Florida the 20th. Why? For the sake of being monitored by doctors to see why it is I have dropped down to a pathetic 110 pounds. From what they have observed I have hyperthyroidism. Which causes anxiety-like symptoms (check), restlessness (check), hair loss (check), and weight loss (check). I've been pretty sick for almost four weeks now, and I'm assuming it's been because 2011 has kept me so busy that I have completely put my health at the lowest priority. As a student, there's no money for real food. As a student there is not enough hours in a day to study and work. And as a student there has been no time for me. I have come to the realization that I possess no ability to set margins and manage time. I am too busy with school, work, and church, and I feel the weight now as this, the last day of 2011 passes, I am huddled up with a glass of carrot juice surrounded by bottles of medication, studying up on how to maintain proper nutrition.
2011 has been quite the year. There has been the stuff dreams are made of, and of course, the stuff that shatters your dreams. However, as I learned upon the railway platforms and dusty airport floors of Rome, "...The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:6) and this has been that year; full of ups and downs, beginnings and ends, high hopes, and unrealistic expectations, but one thing remains constant; my faint understanding of the sovereign providence of God Almighty. He has appointed my steps throughout the year, and led me into places I would never have gone alone. Drawing from hindsight, this has been the greatest year of my life, and should I have been surprised? Nay, I am a friend of God's, and He is in control, I only experience disappointment when I attempt to take it back. "So God, on this last day of 2011, I give to you 2012. I have my hopes, and I have my ambitions, but I pray that you would do as you will with them, and exceed my highest expectation with the glory that is You. Amen."
-Buon Capodanno, amici miei! (Happy New Year, my friends!)
P.S.) This is such a short shot of 2011... If you want to know more, read my posts throughout 2011... And even then... Pffff.
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