Have Mercy On Me...

26 For if we go on willfully and deliberately sinning after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice [to atone] for our sins [that is, no further offering to anticipate], 27 but a kind of awful and terrifying expectation of [divine] judgment and the fury of a fire and burning wrath which will consume the adversaries [those who put themselves in opposition to God]. 28 Anyone who has ignored and set aside the Law of Moses is put to death without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much greater punishment do you think he will deserve who has rejected and trampled under foot the Son of God, and has considered unclean and common the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and has insulted the Spirit of grace [who imparts the unmerited favor and blessing of God]?  -Hebrews 10:26-29

I am guilty.  I have gone on willfully and deliberately sinning after having received the word of truth.  I have hung my head low, succumbing to apathy, as the once near and intimate presence of God no longer felt existent.  I have felt abandoned by the One who has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  I have allowed things such as pornography and alcohol to defile the garments of righteousness which Christ has clothed me.

I have told lies and harbored resentment.  I have allowed my days to be consumed by entertainment, rather than devotion.  I have served my idols and they have been cruel masters.  In terms of masters, I have grown to love one and hate the other.  I have been tossed to and fro, a double minded man.  My ways have truly been unstable.  

Anxiety has reigned over me, as it seems only fiery judgment awaits me.  I have closed my heart to heaven.  My prayers have been long silent and ineffective.  I have been found wanting in my relationships.  I have sought to esteem myself rather than others greater than myself...  I have been critical against the servants of God in their ministry and have not loved my neighbor. 

My spirit has wandered, long and lone, expecting to find rest in compromise.  But I have found none...

There can be no rest where there is compromise.  Sin has sought me.  Sin has trampled me.  Sin has pierced my heart and stolen that intimacy with my God that I so dearly miss.  That childlike innocence and trust, which changed my world, perverted by the feigning promises of disobedience. 

You may be thinking to yourself, "Wow, he's morally compromised.  He must have had an affair...  There must be some breaking insight into some scandal in his life..."

Not quite... I just miss the voice of my Shepherd.  I miss his gentle guidance and my absolute trust in His goodness.  I have allowed worldly things to tear my gaze from Him.  I have allowed the voices of politicians to steer me astray.  I have allowed the tempter to bind and flog me until I questioned the goodness of The One who leads me...

I acknowledge it all.  I come out before it. 

"Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner... Create in me a clean heart.  Cleanse me.  Forgive me.  Restore to me the joy of my salvation.  May your Spirit strengthen that which is feeble.  Transform me. Renew my mind.  I forsake it all. Lead me by still waters.  Make me to lie down in green pastures.  I am your sheep, though I have wandered,  your rod and your staff they comfort me.  Speak that I may know your voice, my Good Shepherd..."