An Emotional Wasteland

Often I wonder whether or not I am progressing as I ought as a disciple of Christ.  I am tempted to believe that my growth has stagnated or failed altogether.  I often feel that old man rising up in me and all too often those old and earthly behaviors supersede my new life in Christ.

So what do I do?  How about despair?  How about quit striving after holiness?  How about quit believing in the goodness of God?  These are all temptations as we are bombarded with the trials and tribulations that each and every Christian will endure.

Yet, in hindsight, as we look back on the pain and struggle we see that the testing of our faith produces patience and patience having its full effect, perfects us that we might lack nothing.

We are not foolish enough to read our Bibles and completely ignore that the vast exhortation to the disciple of Christ is that we shall share in Christ's suffering.  In fact, it is the Father who allows our faith to be refined through the chastisement of our flesh.

How does that feel?  Not good.  It feels like constant cognitive dissonance.  One where our flesh lusts after sin, while our grieving spirit simultaneously hungers and thirsts for righteousness.  

But, every once in a while, there is a lull on the battlefield.  As we gaze through the rubble of our shattered egos, we begin to see that the armies of righteousness have indeed advanced against the forces of darkness.

Personally, my biggest gripe is in my emotions, or lack thereof.  It is rare that I feel in the way that I desire to really feel.  I fail to experience the highest highs of joy and intimacy with those I love.  I struggle to have compassion on a world, which has seemed to drain every ounce of empathy from me.  

I hate these lack of emotions.  I desire mercy.  I yearn for compassion.  And though I might consciously make a decision to be an intercessor for those bearing the reproach of the world, I don't always feel for them.  

But then I look from whence I came.  I see the pluming wasteland of apathy past.  I recount my steps through the no man's land of melancholy and desperation.   

My pre-Christian life was ravaged by the bewildering cancer of sin.  No matter my intentions, everything I held dear was ruined by my own doing.  Whatever relationship I cherished, I also dashed.  What love I felt, I ruined, and was doomed to lamentation.

Perhaps you know that constant hollowness.  That never satiated, wandering, helpless, barren, heart longing for companionship, longing to be known, longing to love and be loved.  That same heart that you medicate, you drug, you drink to sleep.

You never stop wandering.  You think that you'll be satisfied in filling that void with another person, but try and fail, it seems a perpetual cycle of detriment, emotional suffering, and psychological abuse.  You keep wandering.

That was my life before Christ shone his light upon me, exposing my sin.  Naked before Him, I chose not to hide in my shame,  but rather to allow Him to clothe me in His righteousness.  Indeed, in Him I have found a pearl of great price.

For in that moment, my desire to be known was satisfied.  I was fully known.  Every secret, every selfish desire, every ounce of self-loathing and conceit, He knew and He forgave.  I was not to be that broken man any longer.  I was given a new nature.

All the while, the festering remains of that old self were left deep within me.  Perhaps as a reminder of the goodness of God.  Perhaps, as a test of faith.  I'll never know why that old man remains, but what I cannot ignore, is that despite my occasional frustration with him, there is indeed a new man living in me.  

A man whose life was born not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.  

We will suffer.  We will be tempted to abandon our hope of holiness.  We will be persecuted by our own flesh, where just enough of that old heap of decay seeks to detract from the glory wrought in our new birth.  

We are the light of the world.  There is indeed darkness abounding in us and around us. Nevertheless, the enlightenment of our hearts cannot be compared to that vast darkness of a wandering and lost heart.  Remember from whence you came.  Every once in a while, stand atop a newly claimed hill and survey the progress of the armies of the Lord.  You will find endurance.