My Heart-Crushing Journey
James 1:8 reads, "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." I am a double minded man. My ways are unstable. It's a painful admission, and it looks terrible on a resume, but it's true. I am a hypocrite of the highest order in desperate need of grace.
Late nights always allow for a certain level of self-awareness. The isolating darkness and tepid procession of the hours strain the mind and stir all of its foolish inclinations. These hours conjure an internal struggle; one that pierces to the very core of my being.
As you most likely already know, as I've sought transparency on the issue, I have given into a pornography addiction that has been in full swing against my convictions over the last six years. Truly, I've been using pornography as a coping mechanism since early boyhood (as early as 8 years old). It has been to me a pastime, an antidepressant, an anti-anxiety, a social inclination, a conversation piece, an upper, a downer, and pretty much just an escape. Unfortunately, at this point of my life it has become a snare that tests the very authenticity of my character; and I fear that James 1:8 sums it up.
Proverbs 5:3-4 say that, "The lips of an adulteress drip honey And smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword." Life, as these lonely hours reveal, has become bitter. As much as I would love to pull off the super-spiritual, man after God's own heart, I do not use these times to seek the Lord. Rather, I spend them locked in combat with temptation (often laying down my arms, weary and distressed); double-minded. My faith exhibits instability when I realize that the war between flesh and spirit has created an inner turmoil, so great, that there isn't an area in my life where I feel secure.
I have often wondered, "If Christ is who He is, then why am I who I am?" I seek not to indict the character of Christ, but my inability to secure by faith the promises of Scripture which present a new life in Him. Matters are made worse, when we (as laity) are subject to well-intended bombardments of propositional sermons which overwhelm a double-minded man. My heart-crushing journey, thus far, has solely been the agonizing awareness of sin and my sheer inability to merit any right standing with God by means of my own effort.
I find present in me what Paul writes of in Romans 7:21-23;
"I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me."
On the one hand, perhaps being a hypocrite is keeping good company, but on the other hand, pastors and teachers often make light the burdens of our heart-crushing journeys. Perhaps, they too have walked the path I am currently on. I need to know that I can survive it. I feel that too many of our role models lack vulnerability for fear that appearing vulnerable might indict the character of Christ to those who have yet to receive Him. Thus, they appear strong. They act as though they have got it all figured out.
An example of this embodies what seems like the most popular Christian ideology today; laying hold of our identity in Christ. The claim is that by becoming fully aware of our position in Him, we will lay hold of our authority, and have apostolic power. We will conquer sin in ourselves and we will, therefore, walk in the Spirit and not fulfill the desires of the flesh (sounds Biblical). Dan Mohler, in one of his teachings, claimed that he could not recall of a single sin requiring repentance over the course of several years. What struggling Christian wouldn't find this appealing?!
While there is absolute value to knowing who we are in Christ, as a result of His work on the cross, and our being given the right to become the children of God by faith, the unavoidable consequence of this teaching is disenfranchisement. I am a child of God, a new creation, more than a conqueror, equipped with all spiritual blessings for life and godliness, but here I am (like Paul) a prisoner. So where is my victory? Why am I a double-minded man?
On Sunday mornings, we sing songs that herald our liberty and freedom, but I don't want to sing them; I am a prisoner. You might say, "Well, Ryan, everything you are saying might be God's way of showing you that you still need to repent and believe." This isn't bad advice. I have considered this with nearly every act of confession. After all, 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!" How many times have I prayed a prayer of repentance? How many times have I fulfilled Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly?"
My double-mind has cast me as Esau in Hebrews 12:17 “For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.” My doubts have wondered if I too have been rejected. Perhaps I'm beyond being saved. Have I not exhausted my ability to repent? Tears no longer come; my heart has grown cold. While my mind understands that the pronoun-antecedent agreement renders the context that Esau was unable to acquire his blessing with tears, not repentance unto salvation, my feelings tempt me to misinterpret the passage otherwise. This is the plight of a double-minded man.
If I am a role model to any, it is in spiritual poverty. Jesus said in Matthew 5:3, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Paul adds in Romans 7:10-13,
"I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death. For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment,deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! Nevertheless, in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what is good to bring about my death, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful."
My identity is slave. It is prisoner. It is fool. Yet, somehow I am likewise set free for freedom. I am a slave to Christ and to righteousness, and I am no longer a fool, but a child of God. I have dual citizenship of two diametrically opposed cities; the city of God and the city of man. I know what is right; and I don't do it. "For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out" -Romans 7:18.
Can I empty out children's hospitals by the laying on of hands? No (I've yet to meet a faith-healer who could). Can I cast out demons? maybe. Can I forgive others, understanding the depth to which I, a double-minded, hypocritical, narcissistic, self-serving, fool has been forgiven? Yes. I can do that. I must do that. My level of vulnerability must be so great that the only greatness that does shine through is that of God's grace through Christ.
I am a double-minded man. I am unstable in all of my ways. I struggle to trust myself because I have repeatedly let myself and those closest to me down. At times, I may put on a good show. I may graduate at the top of my class, but my heart aches. It longs to love and to be loved; to know and to be known; to grow and to be grown. I hate sin; that same sin that I so paradoxically love. I hate my love for sin! I am a wretch. I am spiritually impoverished. I have the desire to be a faithful man, a loyal husband, a sacrificial father, and a dedicated follower of Christ, but I am lacking. Only God can fill in the gaps, I cannot.
What have I learned thus far? The Christian life is a heart-crushing journey. I fear the church has forgotten this; me. Worship services are parties. We have pastries, coffee, music, lights and fog machines. We have free gifts for first time guests; all of which seem irrelevant to me; the double-minded man. I am crushed. I just want to know whether or not I am going to make it along this Pilgrim's Progress...
Late nights always allow for a certain level of self-awareness. The isolating darkness and tepid procession of the hours strain the mind and stir all of its foolish inclinations. These hours conjure an internal struggle; one that pierces to the very core of my being.
As you most likely already know, as I've sought transparency on the issue, I have given into a pornography addiction that has been in full swing against my convictions over the last six years. Truly, I've been using pornography as a coping mechanism since early boyhood (as early as 8 years old). It has been to me a pastime, an antidepressant, an anti-anxiety, a social inclination, a conversation piece, an upper, a downer, and pretty much just an escape. Unfortunately, at this point of my life it has become a snare that tests the very authenticity of my character; and I fear that James 1:8 sums it up.
Proverbs 5:3-4 say that, "The lips of an adulteress drip honey And smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword." Life, as these lonely hours reveal, has become bitter. As much as I would love to pull off the super-spiritual, man after God's own heart, I do not use these times to seek the Lord. Rather, I spend them locked in combat with temptation (often laying down my arms, weary and distressed); double-minded. My faith exhibits instability when I realize that the war between flesh and spirit has created an inner turmoil, so great, that there isn't an area in my life where I feel secure.
I have often wondered, "If Christ is who He is, then why am I who I am?" I seek not to indict the character of Christ, but my inability to secure by faith the promises of Scripture which present a new life in Him. Matters are made worse, when we (as laity) are subject to well-intended bombardments of propositional sermons which overwhelm a double-minded man. My heart-crushing journey, thus far, has solely been the agonizing awareness of sin and my sheer inability to merit any right standing with God by means of my own effort.
I find present in me what Paul writes of in Romans 7:21-23;
"I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me."
On the one hand, perhaps being a hypocrite is keeping good company, but on the other hand, pastors and teachers often make light the burdens of our heart-crushing journeys. Perhaps, they too have walked the path I am currently on. I need to know that I can survive it. I feel that too many of our role models lack vulnerability for fear that appearing vulnerable might indict the character of Christ to those who have yet to receive Him. Thus, they appear strong. They act as though they have got it all figured out.
An example of this embodies what seems like the most popular Christian ideology today; laying hold of our identity in Christ. The claim is that by becoming fully aware of our position in Him, we will lay hold of our authority, and have apostolic power. We will conquer sin in ourselves and we will, therefore, walk in the Spirit and not fulfill the desires of the flesh (sounds Biblical). Dan Mohler, in one of his teachings, claimed that he could not recall of a single sin requiring repentance over the course of several years. What struggling Christian wouldn't find this appealing?!
While there is absolute value to knowing who we are in Christ, as a result of His work on the cross, and our being given the right to become the children of God by faith, the unavoidable consequence of this teaching is disenfranchisement. I am a child of God, a new creation, more than a conqueror, equipped with all spiritual blessings for life and godliness, but here I am (like Paul) a prisoner. So where is my victory? Why am I a double-minded man?
On Sunday mornings, we sing songs that herald our liberty and freedom, but I don't want to sing them; I am a prisoner. You might say, "Well, Ryan, everything you are saying might be God's way of showing you that you still need to repent and believe." This isn't bad advice. I have considered this with nearly every act of confession. After all, 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!" How many times have I prayed a prayer of repentance? How many times have I fulfilled Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly?"
My double-mind has cast me as Esau in Hebrews 12:17 “For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected: for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.” My doubts have wondered if I too have been rejected. Perhaps I'm beyond being saved. Have I not exhausted my ability to repent? Tears no longer come; my heart has grown cold. While my mind understands that the pronoun-antecedent agreement renders the context that Esau was unable to acquire his blessing with tears, not repentance unto salvation, my feelings tempt me to misinterpret the passage otherwise. This is the plight of a double-minded man.
If I am a role model to any, it is in spiritual poverty. Jesus said in Matthew 5:3, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Paul adds in Romans 7:10-13,
"I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death. For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment,deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! Nevertheless, in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what is good to bring about my death, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful."
My identity is slave. It is prisoner. It is fool. Yet, somehow I am likewise set free for freedom. I am a slave to Christ and to righteousness, and I am no longer a fool, but a child of God. I have dual citizenship of two diametrically opposed cities; the city of God and the city of man. I know what is right; and I don't do it. "For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out" -Romans 7:18.
Can I empty out children's hospitals by the laying on of hands? No (I've yet to meet a faith-healer who could). Can I cast out demons? maybe. Can I forgive others, understanding the depth to which I, a double-minded, hypocritical, narcissistic, self-serving, fool has been forgiven? Yes. I can do that. I must do that. My level of vulnerability must be so great that the only greatness that does shine through is that of God's grace through Christ.
I am a double-minded man. I am unstable in all of my ways. I struggle to trust myself because I have repeatedly let myself and those closest to me down. At times, I may put on a good show. I may graduate at the top of my class, but my heart aches. It longs to love and to be loved; to know and to be known; to grow and to be grown. I hate sin; that same sin that I so paradoxically love. I hate my love for sin! I am a wretch. I am spiritually impoverished. I have the desire to be a faithful man, a loyal husband, a sacrificial father, and a dedicated follower of Christ, but I am lacking. Only God can fill in the gaps, I cannot.
What have I learned thus far? The Christian life is a heart-crushing journey. I fear the church has forgotten this; me. Worship services are parties. We have pastries, coffee, music, lights and fog machines. We have free gifts for first time guests; all of which seem irrelevant to me; the double-minded man. I am crushed. I just want to know whether or not I am going to make it along this Pilgrim's Progress...
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